by Sarah Tolmie

If there is one thing I am learning journeying with my wise mumma bear as I follow her adventures into the third age, it is that retirement can be like a second adolescence.  Both the good and bad.

Into her 70’s now, my mum is more social and active than me stuck in mid-life, that’s for sure, with a full diary of movies, plays, theatre, walking group, yoga and U3A just to name a few. She has so many friends and so many different circles of different friends. She is still making new friends and acquiring exciting new partners in fun and continuing to deepen some friendships into that great space of intimacy and love.

As I observe the dynamics of her friendships and different cliques and groups, it reminds me of high school and university days, of juggling different circles, in all its joys and pains.  What was your friend situation like as a teenager? Were you part of a large tight group or did you have many groups that as your life diverged and expanded, these friendships fragmented and split into distinct friend circles that exist as separate, never to be colliding entities?

It seems the same complexities of friendship and social etiquettes happen in the seniors landscape. The same awkwardnesses and confusions occur when inviting certain ‘in’ friends to activities and events and not others.  Challenges of personalities emerge, annoyances and slights happen, rejections and exclusions can eventuate and a selectiveness of matching friends to activities takes place.  And it seems we still feel the angst and anguish these behaviours cause.

Add into the mix more nuanced complexities around mixing couples with singles (and widows), retirees with semi-
retirees, the creep of health challenges and the need for matching physical capabilities among a group – with some friends being more able than others for certain activities – and even differing financial capacities affecting the choice of activity and shared leisure options to enjoy.

From what I can observe, we carry a certain pattern and ‘modus operandi’ with our friend relationships that are fairly consistent over a lifetime.  Yes, there is the possibility as age arrives that we can soften and become more tolerant, or there is also the risk we can become even less tolerant and gracious.  I am sure you can name a few friends who have emboldened into a “life’s too short to suffer fools or waste time with people who don’t nourish me” mindset, and who will intentionally cull and trim their contacts to ensure peace and harmony in their lives.

Friends can still disappoint. It doesn’t seem to be any easier once you are older, but perhaps there is a little bit more grace, respect and care. We don’t change our spots much over a lifetime but rather gain better skills to soften and smooth the sharp edges that navigating the social scene requires.

The skills of friendship are as important and relevant for teens as much as seniors. At every stage in our life, friends play a vital role. Sometimes our friends are even more important than families.

We can all benefit from regular reflection and attention at our own ‘friend-ability’.

Have you found friendships later in life easier or just as hard?

Do you spend more time with your friends than family?

Are there some friendships you want to develop or would you like more friends in your life?

Are you a good friend?

Creating, growing and maintaining relationships is a lifetime endeavour.  The quality of our relationships is a direct contributor not only to our happiness but also our total health and wellbeing.

As a relationship coach, I am always brought to humble wonder at the continuing unfoldment that happens in relationships – nothing is stagnant, everything moves and changes and evolves – and so must we.

Thank goodness for our friendships, they really do keep us in the present, in growth and in the flow of life & love.

Sarah Tolmie is a life & love coach, therapist and consultant. Her practice focuses on helping individuals, couples and families navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love events, changes and challenges – including love, marriage & family relationships; success, health & wellness; and grief & loss, as well as coping with illness, dying and death. Sarah is also a Life & Love Celebrant, and Pastoral Care Practitioner, creating profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and receive her Daily Love updates on her Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love.