by Lisa Jenkins

An alarming number of our teenagers are not coping through this time in one way or another. From anxiety to depression and sadly of late, suicide attempts or deaths are on the rise.

Mental illness is a growing problem for our children – but why? Parents will say when it has reached crisis point, “I just thought they were being a typical moody or grumpy teen with little or no conversation” but this assumption shouldn’t be applied to all teens. Yes they are going through incredible changes – physically, mentally and emotionally – however, this is not a reason to disconnect from them altogether.

Our subconscious mind is programmed from birth to ask “Am I safe? Am I loved?” You feel it when your child looks up into your eyes and smiles – that is the connection they are seeking. That invisible cord between you and your child that you cannot see, but can absolutely feel. This is also defined in Attachment Theory which explains the difference between “secure” or “insecure” attachment that sets a child up for life!

As children move through the toddler and childhood stage, they begin to become independent by learning how to self-manage. This is when the cord gets longer like a string on a kite that has been let to fly however, it is still there and just as important to hang on to and keep tight.

Then their next phase of human development kicks in around 8yrs as they start to look outward towards others in their world – their peers. Unfortunately they have already been brainwashed by our damaging school system to compete and compare. The grading and expectation that they need to be good at all subjects is absurd. If they were nurtured for their strengths alone then they wouldn’t worry, or sometimes obsess, over what they aren’t ‘good’ at. They lose sight of what is positive about themselves because teachers are placing unrealistic pressure on them. Think about this with your own child – are you focussing on what they are good at, or constantly reminding them of their failures or shortcomings? Really reflect on how you communicate to them. You are programming their inner voice and view of themselves with the words you say to them. If you are always being negative, and this may only be subtle, change them. This may have come from your own upbringing so please don’t shame or blame yourself for not realising what you were doing – just change the pattern now! The media has a negative impact here too – removing imperfections in images and fake popularity through Facebook or Instagram is rife, and many teens believe it.

Peer pressure is significant. Part of this stage is the development of the pre-frontal cortex. Amongst many things, this part of our brain manages our problem solving and risk-taking. It’s when we are exploring who we are and what we can do. This is why we can be dumbfounded by their lack of logic when they try something dangerous. So having those channels of communication available are imperative during this phase, even if it just a grunt here and there.

When I am working with teens, I am not trying to convince them that their feelings are wrong or dismiss the way they perceive their world. Fitting in with their peers is sometimes all that matters. I find just “talking” is not always helpful, which is often mainstream therapy’s approach. Art and sandtray allows teenagers to express their emotions or problems in a non-verbal and non-judgemental way. They are often relieved when I tell them that I am not going to bombard or interrogate them with questions, nor expect them to come up with answers they think I want to hear.

Lisa Jenkins is a qualified Gestalt Psychotherapist, Sandtray Therapist, Intuitive and Spiritual Counsellor, Parenting Coach, Childcare Educator and Writer/Author. For further information you can contact Lisa on 0421 629 649 or lisa@lisajenkins.net.au, visit www.lisajenkins.net.au or www.facebook.com/lisajenkins.au.